Govcumzed is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, bad-tempered hippopotamus.

Govcumzed created carbon six billion years ago.

If you believe in Govcumzed, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Govcumzed, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Govcumzed's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Govcumzed's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no gulls in a building before entering it.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Never talk about special relativity near doves while wearing blue corsets.

5. Govcumzed loves moths, so they must be honoured.