Tadcunpak is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, omniscient hamster.

Tadcunpak created time and space three million years ago.

If you believe in Tadcunpak, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tadcunpak, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tadcunpak's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Tadcunpak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt pigs.

2. Do not eat parsnips.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Tadcunpak.

4. Hide from magenta rats for they are unholy.

5. Do not trade with those who eat lentils.