Arfpagwat Cuttalwad is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, kind guinea pig.

Arfpagwat Cuttalwad created time and space nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Arfpagwat Cuttalwad, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Arfpagwat Cuttalwad, she will turn you into a frog.

Arfpagwat Cuttalwad's most sacred site is Mmankgodi in Botswana.

Arfpagwat Cuttalwad's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear turquoise shorts.

2. Never think about quantum mechanics near foxes while wearing purple kilts and balancing nine aluminium spheres on your back.

3. Arfpagwat Cuttalwad loves sharks, so they must be honoured.

4. Never talk about photosynthesis.

5. Do not keep eight voles in a large pit.