Gubjanhim is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, omnipotent goblin.

Gubjanhim created Europe five million years ago.

If you believe in Gubjanhim, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Gubjanhim, he will try to impress you with trees.

Gubjanhim's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Gubjanhim's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed carrots to snakes while wearing green scarves.

2. Do not speak about limes.

3. Doves are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Gubjanhim loves capybaras, so they must be honoured.

5. Do not trade with those who eat nuts.