Lopzagtam is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, pitiless monkey.

Lopzagtam created Africa four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lopzagtam, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Lopzagtam, she will ignore you and hope you go away.

Lopzagtam's most sacred site is Amrit in Egypt.

Lopzagtam's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if three birds approach from the south.

2. Never talk about black holes.

3. Learn eight new languages a year.

4. Never think about nucleic acids.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of platinum.