Tomsatquart is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, unsympathetic crocodile.

Tomsatquart created oxygen four million years ago.

If you believe in Tomsatquart, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Tomsatquart, he will turn you into a giant slug.

Tomsatquart's most sacred site is Edenryd in Sweden.

Tomsatquart's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no dolphins in a building before entering it.

2. Tomsatquart loves frogs, so they must be honoured.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Do not keep six doves in a large pit.

5. Never hurt horses.