Jonpakcun is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, emotional giraffe.

Jonpakcun created dark energy seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jonpakcun, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Jonpakcun, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Jonpakcun's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Jonpakcun's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about planets.

2. Jonpakcun must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Do not wear white clothing.

4. Never feed lots of lentils to hamsters while wearing violet tights.

5. Never talk about solid mechanics near shrews while wearing yellow scarves and balancing three copper spheres on your feet.