Capkemtif is a god.

It takes the form of a five thousand metre long, all-knowing swallow.

Capkemtif created a photon four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Capkemtif, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Capkemtif, it will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Capkemtif's most sacred site is Avebury Stone Circle in England.

Capkemtif's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. You must love Capkemtif.

3. Do not hurt doves.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.