Kapnurtpark is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, selfish fish.

Kapnurtpark created humankind eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kapnurtpark, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Kapnurtpark, it will turn you into a rat.

Kapnurtpark's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Kapnurtpark's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about comets.

2. Always help monkeys in need.

3. You must pray to Kapnurtpark six times a day.

4. Never think about cell theory.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.