Bapkapwik is a god.

She takes the form of a three hundred metre long, unselfish dolphin.

Bapkapwik created Africa seven million years ago.

If you believe in Bapkapwik, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Bapkapwik, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Bapkapwik's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Bapkapwik's Holy Commandments

1. You must never eat wheat.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Always help sick aardvarks.

5. Do not eat melons.