Futbattomlat Suggamkan is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, idiotic clam.

Futbattomlat Suggamkan created a charm quark nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Futbattomlat Suggamkan, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Futbattomlat Suggamkan, he will refuse to believe in you.

Futbattomlat Suggamkan's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Futbattomlat Suggamkan's Holy Commandments

1. Learn three new languages a year.

2. Erect nine gold sculptures of Futbattomlat Suggamkan on top of important buildings.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Put Futbattomlat Suggamkan first in all things.

5. Always treat whales with great respect.