Yartfudquim is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, merciless human.

Yartfudquim created humankind five billion years ago.

If you believe in Yartfudquim, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Yartfudquim, she will turn you into a slug.

Yartfudquim's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Yartfudquim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not make images of living things.

2. Hide from white snails for they are unholy.

3. Always look after injured voles.

4. Always help manatees in need.

5. Never jump near great tits.