Quatingpon is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, moody parrot.

Quatingpon created Europe five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quatingpon, it will not care.

If you do not believe in Quatingpon, it will turn you into a sparrow.

Quatingpon's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Quatingpon's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Learn seven new languages a year.

3. Pray towards the west.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Swans are not to be trusted.