Jonripveenveenbesskin is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, merciless jaguar.

Jonripveenveenbesskin created a down quark six million years ago.

If you believe in Jonripveenveenbesskin, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Jonripveenveenbesskin, she will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Jonripveenveenbesskin's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Jonripveenveenbesskin's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Erect seven gold sculptures of Jonripveenveenbesskin on top of important buildings.

3. Never talk about nucleic acids.

4. Do not eat carrots.

5. Do not stand on grass.