Bemkemcan is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, unsympathetic snail.

Bemkemcan created a quark two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bemkemcan, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Bemkemcan, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bemkemcan's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Bemkemcan's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near otters while wearing violet shoes and balancing seven silver spheres on your chest.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.