Hotponwig is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, witty seal.

Hotponwig created time and space five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hotponwig, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Hotponwig, he will send you a sign.

Hotponwig's most sacred site is Vestfold in Norway.

Hotponwig's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick porpoises.

2. Never think about gravity near tortoises while wearing violet skirts and balancing seven nickel spheres on your face.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Never go into brown rooms.

5. Always help sheep.