Lakquimrill is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, self-confident owl.

Lakquimrill created snails five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lakquimrill, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Lakquimrill, she will turn you into a worm.

Lakquimrill's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Lakquimrill's Holy Commandments

1. Turtles are not to be trusted.

2. Always stare at clouds.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Never think about evolution by means of natural selection.

5. Erect a giant copper sculpture of Lakquimrill in the centre of the settlement.