Cissparkquill is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, witty seal.

Cissparkquill created the universe five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Cissparkquill, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Cissparkquill, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Cissparkquill's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Cissparkquill's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear yellow.

2. Retreat if four great tits approach from the south.

3. Never discuss horizontal gene transfer in public assemblies.

4. Erect a giant mauve sculpture of Cissparkquill in the centre of the settlement.

5. Do not hop in public.

Dobvaglap is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely fat, competent wolf.

Dobvaglap created life eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Dobvaglap, it will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Dobvaglap, it will attempt to scare you with strong winds.

Dobvaglap's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Dobvaglap's Holy Commandments

1. Never touch oil while unclean.

2. Do not count beyond six during ceremonies.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. Never chant near doves.

5. Never allow capybaras to sleep beneath your roof.

Ontjonjen is a god.

She takes the form of a two thousand metre long, overgenerous beaver.

Ontjonjen created time and space eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontjonjen, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Ontjonjen, she will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Ontjonjen's most sacred site is Panormos in Greece.

Ontjonjen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Pray towards the north.

3. Never stain your chest with orange.

4. Do not wear iron on your body.

5. Ontjonjen must be the most important thing in your life.

Tikkinpak is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, irritating turtle.

Tikkinpak created parasitic wasps seven million years ago.

If you believe in Tikkinpak, she will celebrate by creating some nebulas.

If you do not believe in Tikkinpak, she will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Tikkinpak's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Tikkinpak's Holy Commandments

1. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

2. Never go into purple rooms.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Always count to seven before sleeping.

5. Never eat bark.

Targrakgup is a god.

She takes the form of a five thousand metre long, bad-tempered badger.

Targrakgup created energy four million years ago.

If you believe in Targrakgup, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Targrakgup, she will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Targrakgup's most sacred site is Cobbelsdorf in Germany.

Targrakgup's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Pray only in darkness.

3. Always maintain obedience during days of mourning.

4. Do not fashion sacred items from clay.

5. Never talk about the weak nuclear force near snails while wearing blue coats and balancing four platinum spheres on your legs.

Meg is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, caring beaver.

Meg created Europe seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Meg, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Meg, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Meg's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Meg's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never chant while facing south.

3. Always check lakes for frogs.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Heed all dreams.

Bellnul is a god.

She takes the form of a five thousand metre long, unsympathetic crocodile.

Bellnul created the planet Mars four billion years ago.

If you believe in Bellnul, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Bellnul, she will boil you in a big pot.

Bellnul's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Bellnul's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick ducks.

2. Always look after injured moths.

3. Never mark doors with black.

4. Do not travel during winter.

5. Always act with purity.

Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, awesome capybara.

Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren created a down quark seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren, it will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren's most sacred site is Pandamatenga in Botswana.

Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren's Holy Commandments

1. Never think ill of sick turtles.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Paint representations of comets on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. Erect a large silver sculpture of Fontadhabfab Bethinmifbassfenwikxuckren on top of all buildings.