Tigmutkenfen is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, charitable crocodile.

Tigmutkenfen created the planet Venus eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tigmutkenfen, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tigmutkenfen, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Tigmutkenfen's most sacred site is Gorbio in France.

Tigmutkenfen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not make images of living things.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Do not commit murder.

4. Never touch ash while blessed.

5. Never allow ducks to sleep beneath your roof.

Jopominquatrowyartyarlzod is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, fussy octopus.

Jopominquatrowyartyarlzod created the Whirlpool Galaxy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jopominquatrowyartyarlzod, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Jopominquatrowyartyarlzod, it will come to you in dreams.

Jopominquatrowyartyarlzod's most sacred site is Mazunte in Mexico.

Jopominquatrowyartyarlzod's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Never talk about dark energy near ants while wearing pink kilts and balancing six nickel spheres on your legs.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never paint your head magenta.

Kikjenyik is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, caring crow.

Kikjenyik created an electron seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kikjenyik, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Kikjenyik, she will boil you in a big pot.

Kikjenyik's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Kikjenyik's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant lead sculpture of Kikjenyik in the centre of the settlement.

2. Never speak aloud of numbers.

3. Always make sure there are no dogs in a building before entering it.

4. Do not resist balance.

5. Erect nine aluminium sculptures of Kikjenyik on top of important buildings.

Sat is a god.

It takes the form of a very thin, all-knowing fox.

Sat created bats seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Sat, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Sat, it will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Sat's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Sat's Holy Commandments

1. Never leap in holy places.

2. Never carve symbols of nebulae into wood.

3. Always face the south before speaking sacred words.

4. Always treat tortoises with great respect.

5. Do not place strawberries upon stone.

Gebkenjen is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, idiotic guinea pig.

Gebkenjen created the Sunflower Galaxy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gebkenjen, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Gebkenjen, she will attempt to scare you with hail.

Gebkenjen's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Gebkenjen's Holy Commandments

1. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Gebkenjen.

4. Worship no other gods but Gebkenjen.

5. Never speak the names of black holes aloud.

Quimbogken is a god.

It takes the form of a rotund, selfish hare.

Quimbogken created the planet Mars four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quimbogken, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Quimbogken, it will turn you into a duck.

Quimbogken's most sacred site is Manna in Greece.

Quimbogken's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear black boots on sacred days.

2. Always share cherries with strangers, but never with hamsters.

3. Do not speak of gravity near sacred fires.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Do not travel during spring.

Tunrenquim is a god.

It takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, all-powerful capybara.

Tunrenquim created oxygen five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tunrenquim, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Tunrenquim, it will try to impress you with trees.

Tunrenquim's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Tunrenquim's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear brown hats on sacred days.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Tunrenquim.

3. Geese are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Never discuss eukaryotes in public assemblies.

5. Never pour water over plants.

Nilbellsit is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, grumpy parrot.

Nilbellsit created a quark two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Nilbellsit, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Nilbellsit, she will not care.

Nilbellsit's most sacred site is Villaseta in Italy.

Nilbellsit's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of silicon.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Pray towards the west.

4. Draw representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. Always help sick seals.